I began the Artist’s Way at the end of 2019. I was leaving for Bali for the holidays and had purchased it right before my departure.
The book came to me in a peculiar way, like most books do. Earlier in the year, I had been at this “secret” party in the West Village, the location literally looked like a castle. Two champagnes in, and drunk me was looking for a cigarette. After a short time, it became apparent the very attractive bartender was in supply. (Hence my love for Lana’s song “bartender”!)
He stood six foot six, and kindly escorted me outside for a smoke. As we stood on the massive wrap around terrace, we easily slipped into a conversation about literature and art. Still winter in new york, we were some of the daring few on the balcony. It was nice to have some quiet, and before I left with my friends, he asked for my number.
We got coffee in Williamsburg, where he told me about the script he was working on. It was nice to have such a direct conversation with a man. On another evening, we caught a film at a small theater in bushwick, and after a few drinks at the bar, we stumbled back to his place somewhere between Williamsburg and nowhere.
His small hole in the wall room contained a mattress on the floor, a nightstand with open vodka, and a desk with papers everywhere. Very romantic, very New York, very struggling writer. As I went to plunk down on his bed, I sat on something, it was the Artist’s Way. The book looked familiar to me, although I knew I had never read it. We began to talk into the night, he told me about his experience, struggling with the morning pages. I was drunk and actually learned very little into the contents of the book.
The next morning, over a large cup of black coffee and without much ado, I decided to order the book.
The book sat around in my house until I packed my bags for Southeast Asia. I was in a very hard place. I have spent the last 4-5 years very preoccupied with my lovers. They were my greatest distraction, with alcohol coming in at a close second. It wasn’t all bad, a lot of it was good, very good. I had learned how to love. How to fuck. But I had hurt a lot of people, got married, learned to lie to myself and others. I wasn’t sure how to move forward, who to love.
Upon beginning this book, I knew the person I had to love was me. It was time to get selfish again, focus on my art, my work, my life’s purpose.
A lot of changes happened right at the beginning, the author, Julia Cameron, said “you may be surprised by your candor.”
That I was. I was speaking my mind, articulating what I thought in conversations, standing up to people who had walked over me. I’ve never liked confrontation, I avoided it like the plague my entire life. But here I was, four weeks into the book, and finding myself in arguments about Carl Jung and politics. Turns out, I do have opinions. I do care about ideas and people and the world. I just never bothered to speak up.
That was the week I also was able to end a really toxic relationship of a year and feel GOOD about it.
Things only got more clear from there. The book helps you identify your biggest blocks, not just in art but in life. (Perhaps the two are the same.)
The release of these old people and patterns allowed space for new to emerge. New in me, new in my work, new in my surroundings. Quarantine began, and it allowed me to dive even deeper into this process.
The morning pages soon became vastly important, I was processing the release of old relationships and also having visions for new content. I was brought on five different campaigns, all with different brands, and instead of being fearful, jumped in headfirst and actually enjoyed the work!
Instead of being terrified of shooting/ looking good / making something good, I just did the work. It became that simple in a way. I was less fearful of making a mistake, and became ok with the idea of throwing out an entire photoshoot. I used to grasp and cling and try to pull something out of every photoshoot, but then realized that is never good. It’s ok to throw away work that is not good enough, and it is actually difficult to do so. But that “doing so” makes you stronger.
“If you want to work on your art, work on your life.” With days in quarantine beginning with the morning pages, it put me in a headspace of, “What are you going to discover today? What are you going to learn today so that your mind is different?” Lifestyle upgrades through knowledge.
In a sense, I was becoming more curious, more childlike. Which is great for the artist - and a byproduct of doing the work in this book.
“Your dreams will become stronger and clearer, both by night and by day.” The strange thing about this process is that the more childlike and “in awe” you become, the more you know exactly what you want. I was having visions of what my future in New York was going to look like- a room of my own with a brick fireplace, two easels for painting, one desk for writing, a clothing rack filled with everything I wanted to tell a story with.
“Creativity lies in paradox: serious art is born from serious play.”
“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”
One of the best things about doing the artist way for me, was coming back into dance and prayer life. As a young adult, I took dance very seriously, but had an unfortunate experience with a ballet instructor. I was taking class from him three times a week my first year in high school, and was considering taking dance seriously after I graduated.
There was one evening when we were all warming up at the bar, and he hit my stomach hard and told me to suck in. Then implied that perhaps I was gaining weight. This led me to slowly show up to class less and less, until I decided not to finish the year.
This was one of the instances that led me down a very blocked creative path, not to mention seven years of life-threatening anorexia. Albeit painful, the book helps you discover creative blocks like this, so that you can heal and push past them. I realize now, that it doesn’t mater how my stomach looks when I dance. I’m dancing to connect to the heavens, to connect to me. I feel God when I dance. It brings me to tears writing this that I ever let a man take that away from me.
Later in the book, you learn to treat your artist. Spoil her a bit.
“We cling to our financial concerns as a way to avoid not only out art but also our spiritual growth.”
In conjunction with learning how to bypass financial concerns, you also learn to develop a deeper trust in God. That week I found myself tuning into my high school priests’ live-streams on facebook. On the third day of tuning in, I worked up to the nerve to say hi in the comments & he took a moment to say hi back. He said he remembered me as an artist, someone who just made things beautiful.
That was the moment I started to believe in synchronicity. The connection to God, the dancing, the breakup - it has all been waiting for me. I lined it up for myself, I did the work to break through.
As the weeks pass, you begin to learn that is safe to open yourself up to greater creativity. You don’t have to put these limitations on yourself. I became unbound in my photography and shooting, started blending dance into my lingerie and bondage posts. It happened so naturally, almost without thinking.
“Creativity occurs in the moment, and in the moment we are timeless.”
I think I could go on forever, but I want you to have your own experience. Do the work, do the hard things, commit to yourself so you may find your own magic.
I am beyond thrilled to see where I go from here, this feels much more like a beginning than a conclusion.
“When the soul wishes to experience something, she throws an image of the experience out before her and enters into her own image.”
xx