this newfound confidence, this eternal spice.
to love what you see when you see yourself.
it is a returning of sorts.
and perhaps it isn’t linear,
but it’s worth knowing it can be felt.
x x
baby sings the blues so well
coming in hot
coming in hot, sweating like the seasons.
no more days in bed, there’s new people to meet & things to see.
i fell in love with new york again & now it’s time to fall in love with me.
xx
"baby, i'm home"
swimming in form, my old life is on fire.
i let go of my rock to build my own foundation.
i am torn between his comforts and the cries of my spirit.
i have come alive in the strangeness of it all,
the heartbreak as the resurrection.
chelsea girls
chelsea girls alive in the glory of manhattan. all unsophisticated innocence and curiosity. building their dream worlds. marble fireplaces, exposed brick and champagnes. vintage gold mirrors imported from france, candle operas, wax dripping, fresh white sheets and little fires.
a few lovers, but none she claims. the city is a chelsea girl’s first love. her mind is filled with literature and ideas for paintings, she forgets her appearance.
she plays dress up every morning, in this queendom, she learns to stop dressing for men. she fills herself up- a worthy companion, someone to contend with.
spiral staircases, and secret gardens. sculpture studios and metal work tables. physicists and artists all come knocking at her door.
she holds a home inside her, she is compassion.
she is woman.
she is a chelsea girl.
xx
"to have your outer world reflect your inner world"
rearrange us. i was once so filled with love that i created none for myself.
he birthed me in cultures and ideas, and i stopped producing my own.
i blame myself.
how was i to know i couldn’t fly in the comfort of your arms?
it is a hard lesson that has unfolded over years.
time passed and we clung to the good times, they were powerful in their own right.
but my uncertainty never left the room, my faith weakened, and i hid under layers of self-harm and booze.
empty convictions, a loss of self-respect.
i dressed different, i saw the world through dollar signs and good times.
my sexuality shifted to the forefront, my ideas to the back.
it is not your fault, thank you for taking my hand.
i get to go back to me now, i will become more and more blessed in the uncertainty of a unplanned life (love.)
it feels, just right
some days, you will wake up, and your freedom will scare you. if you’re like me, you’re overwhelmed with possibilities, your limitless nature.
do not stay in your fear. take the next action, break the day into small manageable parts. look at the light. see the way it bounces off the bricks and the plants. how it soars down streets and fills the alleyways. be here now.
each day you can do small things, and those small things will build something big.
if something seems overwhelming or impossible, remember that it was a lot of small daily actions that made it complete. a lot of consistency, a lot of dedication.
you are divine, and your dream is worth brining into the reality.
do what you can manage today, and nothing more.
xx
"well, the best, lack all conviction"
let go of my hand & release me back to the sea. your love made me inept, incapable of even the simplest task. reduced to a crushed soul, withering in a tower. i am a girl who needs salt water, sun on her skin and sand in her hair.
i am a contradiction, but i love big. i have things to say, and for five year, you were somehow powerful enough to keep me from saying them. comfort strips the spirit of a need for change.
xx
no one is entitled to your time or your passion
love is always right on time. and maybe in this life, you get to love more than once. maybe you get to love and be loved in different shapes and forms, and as many times as your heart has been broken, you will also break hearts. it all comes and goes. it is the motion of returning.
you are your own center, you will give and you will take, but nothing will fill you up like knowing you need nothing.
you were born complete, healed, filled. anything you add is only surfeit, and you are lucky to have known more than enough.
xx
"in this cage, some songs are born"
drenched in a myth, in the words of my favorite writers. sleeping in the sun, returning home, where my innocence will be like the dawn.
soon i will make peace with everything, eat peaches in my garden with ricotta and honey, and pull inspiration from fantasy. words are like decoration, if they sound good, maybe they hold meaning.
if you make the world around you beautiful, maybe the hard things are tolerable. maybe there is god in the simplicity of being.
xx
the flora and the fauna
i once slept in a white box high above the city. it allowed for all the light in the world to fill it’s corridors, but still, i could not grow. i would shrivel and act out, i was very afraid. there was beauty all around me, but none inside. it took me a little while, but now i see, i must be my own light.
xx